Boy v. Girl

Here is something I wrote the day after I found out we were having a little boy.

Yesterday we went to find out the gender of our second child. And MUCH to my surprise…it’s a boy. I know most people would be thrilled with this fact, even thrilled to be having a child at all. I KNOW THAT. And I feel horrible for feeling this way—but I never wanted a boy. I never saw myself with a boy. I never saw my DH raising a boy. I never saw my DD with a brother…..I just never believed it would happen. It’s like 40% of me is thrilled and jumping up and down with joy at the thought of having a son-a mommy’s boy…..and the other 60% is devastated….devastated for what I feel I have lost. I, logically, know that it is just one dream replacing another dream…but I still am grieving that loss. I will never have “my girls”, never have my little princesses, DD will never have a sister to gossip with, dress up with, and have in each other’s weddings. She will never be able to have that sort of bond with a boy and for that I am sad. It’s hard to let go of the dreams you have for yourself and your family. It’s hard to deal with the fact that you ARE NOT in charge of everything. I’m not sure what the plan is for me or for this sweet little boy in my belly—but there definitely has to be one.
On the upside, I’m hoping that in the next few days as reality sinks in and I start to realize what I DO have to look forward too-I will start to feel better and more grateful….just not today. Today I am still grieving my “loss.”

I have been debating on whether to share that piece of myself with all of you. The people closest to me already knew this but those that aren’t will probably not understand a lot of my posts so I felt it was necessary to get this out there. Since that day, every time I look at those words I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and saddened. But that is how I felt AT THE TIME. My sister explained my feelings for me best: “When you first find out, you feel like you have been kicked in the stomach. Then you are really sad. Then you get over it and get excited. Then you are really embarrassed and feel stupid for ever feeling that way.” She was right. Absolutely right.
To be honest and fair though, I am still very sad about all the above things but I have moved on and I do realize what I have to look forward to. And what my DH and Princess are gaining as well. My DH especially. He and Princess have a wonderful relationship and I love watching them together, especially when he is dancing with her around the room in her princess costume calling him her Prince. But I can’t WAIT to see the relationship he will have with his son. It’s something I can’t even begin to imagine/begin to picture will be like. I can’t wait to watch this story unfold. We are all looking forward to our little boy’s arrival!!